(Name) had never seen a (noun) before (s/he) came to Yale. (S/he) had, however, received a (noun) as a graduation present (her/his hands are too small for a (noun)), so when his/her roommate dragged her to YPMB auditions, s/he signed right up. Since then, (name) has accomplished a number of things, including actually learning how to play the (same noun), (YPMB-related -ing verb), and serving as the YPMB’s (more resume-worthy position) and (less resume-worthy position).
When s/he’s not engaging in his/her weekly upper body workout ((-ing verb) the YPMB), s/he can probably be found obsessing over (weirdly specific academic topic), (interest), or (overwrought and misleading description of athletic activity). A proud (denonym), (Name) spent a substantial chunk of his/her high school years (-ing verb), a time s/he mostly spent trying (and, sadly, failing) to (verb). S/he is a huge fan of (clothing), (food), (pretentious interest) (can you tell yet?), and the internet.
(Name) really likes to (verb), so you should definitely come say hi! If you’re not sure which one s/he is, just look for the (distinctive physical characteristic) (sidenote: (Name) is always open to suggestions for his/her next (quality of physical characteristic). You could also email him/her! Direct official business to (douchey email address) and anything else to (plebeian email address).